Published in Rash magazine, October 2000.

10 Simple Steps Toward Anarchy

1. Wear a funny tie.
2. Order pizza—at work!
3. Say “Ocifer” instead of “Officer.”
4. If it’s yellow let it mellow; if it’s brown flush it down.
5. Put a Why Be Normal bumper sticker on your car—upside down!
6. Nod when you say no, and shake your head when you say yes.
7. Do a “Rain Man” impression.
8. Record a quirky outgoing message on your answering machine, preferably sung.
9. Smash the Imperialist bourgeoisie by any means necessary, including but not limited to mass demonstrations, civil disobedience, random acts of violence, destruction of property, and political assassination.
10. Purchase wacky beer cozies.

10 Simple Steps Toward Financial Independence

1. Be born from intelligent, hard-working parents.
2. Attend good schools and study hard.
3. Get a high-paying job with full benefits and upward mobility.
4. Save 5 percent of every paycheck in a savings account with a good interest rate.
5. Repeat step four for twenty years.
6. Grow bored with your shallow, albeit profitable existence.
7. Quit your job.
8. With your savings, purchase high-tech gadgetry.
9. Sell high-tech gadgetry at greatly reduced price to fuel newly acquired drug habit. Continue fueling newly acquired drug habit until you have lost house, car and savings to drug dealers and tax collectors. Laze about, scratching at itchy sores and feeling the racking pains of cold turkey withdrawal.
10. Rob a liquor store.

10 Simple Steps Toward Apathy

1. Ah, f——— it.

10 Simple Steps Toward Weight Loss

1. Consult a nutritionist about the diet that will be most effective for you.
2. Follow that diet religiously.
3. Exercise regularly.
4. Keep a chart near your bathroom scale to track daily weight loss.
5. Purchase new wardrobe to complement your svelte new figure.
6. Free from the chains of obesity in a shallow, fat-hating society, earn more respect and admiration from the people around you—both personally and professionally.
7. Marry a budding movie star.
8. Turn to food whenever pressures of being married to a budding movie star mount.
9. Grow fat and disappoint budding movie star.
10. With newfound wealth from your better job and marriage to budding movie star, undergo invasive surgery involving shrinkage of stomach and partial removal of lower intestine.

10 Simple Steps Toward Choosing a Pet

1. Measure your house or apartment to determine how large a pet you can accomodate.
2. Calculate the amount of money you are willing to spend on pet food, accessories, veterinary bills, etc.
3. Go to your local animal shelter.
4. Choose a pet with clear eyes and cheerful disposition.
5. Find out what shots—if any—your pet has had, and when it is due for more.
6. Discuss any medication the pet may require, and the pet’s family history (if known) before adopting pet.
7. When you arrive at your house or apartment, introduce your pet to one room at a time, so it will not get lost.
8. Grow attached to pet; refer to it as your “best friend.”
9. Project human-like feelings and expressions onto your pet; ascribe a complex personality; enjoy everything with your pet—long walks, cuddling on the couch. When times are tough, cry into your pet. Treat and love your pet like a sibling or child—or as an extension of yourself.
10. Outlive your pet.

Comments